


Instinct

by Anonymous



Category: Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Babies, Episode Tag, Gen, Kid Fic, Naboo is an underslept caregiver
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-03
Updated: 2012-09-03
Packaged: 2017-11-13 11:20:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/502972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the episode Fountain of Youth, Naboo minds baby Vince and Howard. He hasn't slept in three days and hasn't smoked in five. Will he go mad before Saboo and Tony Harrison come back from the fountain of ageing?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Instinct

"There we go, who's a good boy?" Naboo crooned softly to the chubby baby on his knee.

He'd taken off the false moustache and the shiny black wig that Bollo had put on the babies to tell them apart. It would irritate their skin, he'd reasoned while carefully checking them over for a rash.

Vince started fussing from the improvised playpen that they'd knocked together. Howard was an easy, placid baby, but Vince was so exhausting with his constant need to be held and played with. If he thought Howard was getting more attention than him, he'd throw a tantrum.

Naboo balanced Howard against his shoulder and picked Vince up and jiggled him gently.

"It's alright Vince, I just had to change his nappy, I've not forgotten about you," he kissed Vince's downy head and went to find Bollo.

Bollo was putting on a load of babygros in the laundry when Naboo found him.

"Take Howard, Vince is having an existential crisis," he said holding out the quiet, sombre baby to his familiar.

Bollo took him gently and continued putting the load on to wash, one handed. Naboo rocked from side to side with Vince in his arms and sang a little nonsense song to him. Vince slowly stopped crying and hiccoughed.

"There's my good boy," Naboo smiled and stroked Vince's soft cheek.

This parenting business was hard work. He hadn't slept in three days, he hadn't smoked in five, Vince was crying all the time and if he had to change one more nappy, he thought that was going to cry himself.

Somehow though, he couldn't help but prefer Howard and Vince as babies. If it was simply the case that he had to sing a song and give them a bit of a cuddle every time something usually went wrong for them, his life would be considerably more straight forward. And the babies were quite sweet when they weren't screaming.

Still, he'd be happy when Tony Harrison and Saboo came back from the fountain of ageing on Xooberon. If they hadn't murdered each other or eloped yet, that was.

*

"I told you we had a map, but oh no, you wanted to ask directions!"

"We were lost Saboo, wondering around the desert aimlessly with no idea where we were. I'm sorry if I thought asking someone who where we were was a good idea."

"I knew where I was going! I would have figured something out, given time. And now, you've landed me in another ridiculous situation!"

"I resent that, I'm in this situation as much as you are."

"Oh yes, buried to the neck in sand. I can see how that would inconvenience you."

"I've got sand all up me crevices."

"Oh, I did not need to hear that!"

*

It was three in the morning and Vince was crying again. He wasn't dirty, he wasn't hungry, he didn't want to play and wriggled around furiously when Naboo tried to hold him close. Naboo was so tired that he was shaking slightly.

"Please stop crying Vince," he pleaded with the squalling infant, "I don't know what you want."

He was rubbing Vince's back soothingly and dancing slightly.

"Shh. Please!"

If Vince were an adult again he'd just tell him to get over himself and then go and get stoned, but the idea of acting this way towards baby Vince appalled some deep, previously uncovered parental instinct in him.

Bollo walked into the room and looked at him sympathetically.

"He won't stop crying," Naboo said, slightly hysterically, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I tried to feed him but he threw it at me and he doesn't need changing. Bollo, what if he's sick? What if he found something he shouldn't and ate it? If he's sick, it's all my fault!" Naboo was on the verge of tears.

Bollo took Vince out of his arms and shooed him up the stairs. Naboo walked zombie like into his room. Little Howard was tucked up in the middle of the bed, chewing a piece of the blanket. Naboo smiled and climbed into the bed next to him. Howard cooed and grabbed at Naboo's robes.

"Remind me to thank you for being such a good baby, when you're grown up again," Naboo whispered.

Howard had always been the less demanding of his lodgers and he'd never appreciated it properly before. Probably because he was usually such a bell-end. 

Naboo tucked Howard up under his chin and fell asleep in seconds. Howard patted his face clumsily with his small hand and fell asleep too.

Bollo walked up the stairs, with a finally sleeping Vince in his arms. He opened the door and looked at Naboo asleep in the bed holding the baby. The poor little shaman had dark circles under his eyes and his colour was off. Bollo tucked Vince in next to Howard carefully. Vince would never sleep properly if he wasn't put to bed with Howard. Vince's sleeping hand reached out and grabbed Howard's romper suit firmly.

Naboo's eyes flickered open and he looked at the two sleeping babies next to him.

"How did you get him to sleep?" he whispered.

"Baby massage," Bollo admitted quietly.

Naboo nodded and started to slide out of the bed.

"Naboo should sleep," Bollo said disapprovingly

"I haven't been up while they were asleep since this bloody thing began," Naboo said and walked of the door on his toes.

Bollo sighed and followed him.

"I've got a bad feeling about this."

Naboo sat in the kitchen with his head in his hands, when he felt a strong pair of hands knead his shoulders. He moaned softly in contentment and rolled his head back. Bollo rubbed the aching muscles in his neck, shoulders, back and arms until Naboo was so relaxed, you could pour him into a bottle. He'd been agitated recently, possibly in part because he hadn't been taking any drugs since unexpectedly becoming a primary care giver, and was getting uncharacteristically stressed.

"I love your strong monkey hands," he whispered.

Bollo decided to let the monkey comment go, Naboo was tired and he deserved some leeway.

"How long do you think they'll sleep," Naboo said, in a strange hoarse voice.

"Couple of hours, maybe less," said Bollo, digging his thumbs into the base of Naboo's spine.

"What do people do when they're not stoned?" Naboo asked, "This is so hard, I just keep worrying about them. It was hard enough when they could support their own necks, but now every time one of 'em sneezes I think that I've poisoned them. And they can't help being selfish, silly, impulsive babies now, because they are babies. I can't believe people do this on purpose."

Well that was a slight white lie. He'd been vaguely aware of being fond of Vince and Howard when they were adults, but his urge to protect and care for the tiny little people was overwhelming him.

Bollo rubbed his temples and Naboo let his head loll gently.

"Naboo's a good mo- parent," Bollo said reassuringly.

"It's all going tits up. I've not had to even hold a baby since Kirk learned to sit up. Why did they have to drink the bloody water? I'm not cut out for this."

Naboo leaned back on Bollo's strong shoulder and sighed loudly.

"I'd best go to bed," he said reluctantly.

He felt Bollo's hands release his shoulders and held back a sigh. Back in his room, Vince was doing his best impression of a starfish and taking up far more room than someone his size should be physically able. He slid in next to the babies, taking up about six inches of space, and went back to sleep.

*

Naboo was trapped under a duvet of babies, watching Labyrinth. Well just two babies, but they both endeavoured to take up as much space as they possibly could and Naboo's lap wasn't all that big to begin with. Howard was hiding his face every time something loud happened in the film. Vince was looking at the screen starry eyed, bouncing up and down.

"Stop pushing Howard, Vince. I don't want to have to separate you," Naboo said.

Howard was slowly being pushed farther and farther to one side until finally Naboo wedged them in on either side of him. Vince whinged for a bit and reached over his lap to try and poke Howard, but then Dance Magic started and he settled right down.

"You wouldn't mind if David Bowie came to take you away, would you Vince," Naboo said with some exasperation, "To be honest I don't know if I'd mind if he took you away and gave me some peace for five minutes."

There was a ring at the doorbell and Naboo left the babies with Bollo to go and answer it. There was a group of goblins with a clipboard standing outside the door.

"Excuse me, but would you like to clarify your previous statement in the form of a wish?" the largest one asked in a high pitched squeak.

"No. Piss off," Naboo said irritably.

"Only doing our job," the head goblin protested.

"Well you've done it, now piss off. I'm not giving Vince away to Bowie. No matter how annoyed he'll be with me later on when I tell him."

The goblins shuffled off, swearing incomprehensibly, into the darkness. Naboo went back upstairs to find Vince and Howard asleep, leaning against each other.

"Mind them for a bit, yeah Bollo? I'm going to kip for a bit while they're not in the bed."

Bollo nodded silently and Naboo trudged quietly towards his bedroom. He sprawled out on the bed and felt strange. He was already so used to sleeping wedged into the very edge of the bed with a hand hovering over the two round little bodies, that he couldn't get used to having so much room. Sighing, he put a pile of laundry on the bed and lay down beside it, letting it take up most of the bed.

"Sleep well?" Bollo asked when he emerged four hours later.

"Like a baby," Naboo replied, "I woke up screaming every half hour and wet the bed."

Bollo was almost certain that this had been intended ironically, but made a mental note to change the sheets just in case. Naboo took Vince from Bollo's arms, who was grabbing at his familiar's face.

"You're the naughtiest baby in the whole world," he said indulgently and Vince gurgled delightedly as thought this was the most flattering thing that he'd ever heard.

"Saboo and Tony haven't been in touch?" Naboo asked distractedly, letting Vince suck his finger.

Bollo grunted and shook his head. Naboo didn't seem to be overly concerned.

"Do you want some diced bananas and yoghurt?" he said dreamily.

"If you're making-" Bollo began before Naboo gave him a withering glare.

"I was talking to Vince. Where's Howard?" he asked, "You have been playing with him too haven't you?" he asked, "You can't neglect him just because Vince makes a fuss."

"Playing with blocks," Bollo replied.

Naboo kissed Vince's cheek and gave him back to Bollo before going over to the playpen. Howard looked up at him with a block in both hands. He was banging them together with a look of deep concentration.

"What clever boy figured out 3 4 time all by himself?" asked Naboo, picking Howard up in his arms and giving him a cuddle.

"You did!" he continued, poking Howard's belly, "Come on, lets make some bananas. You can be my little helper while Vince twists Bollo round his little finger."

He went into the kitchen with Howard resting in the crook of him arm and he mashed overripe bananas with his other hand, placing them into two plastic bowls and pouring yoghurt over them. He'd been giving them some solids over the past few days. When Vince had stolen an entire baked potato off his plate and chewed it triumphantly, he'd thought that they were ready to be tried on some proper food. He called to Bollo to bring Vince in for his food.

"Here, we'll swap," he said, holding Howard out.

They both leaned in towards each other sideways and after some manoeuvring, successfully transferred the infants into each other's arms. The last time Bollo had tried to feed Vince he'd been washing baked beans out of his fur for hours.

Naboo sat down with Vince on his knee and reached for a spoon. Vince batted at his arm and screwed up his face. He spooned a small amount of bananas onto the spoon and started to go through a succession of mimes to try and get Vine to open his mouth.

"Here comes the aeroplane, nyerm! No? How about Gary Numan's aeroplane better," he hummed the opening few bars to Cars and Vince looked at him with as much disdain as his little face could muster. "I'm doing my best! I'm a shaman not an eighties pop star. How about a train? Woo woo!"

Meanwhile, Howard was graciously opening his mouth for the mashed bananas and swallowing without a fuss.

"Oh no, Vince. I think Howard's winning the race. He's going to see the bottom of his bowl first."

Somehow, this approach worked and Vince dropped his jaw instantly. Naboo sighed in relief and fed the baby gratefully.

His mind began to drift and he thought about Tony Harrison and Saboo. What if they never came back from Xooberon? What if they had to wait for Howard and Vince to grow up in real time? He thought about Vince going through the terrible twos, Howard being bullied in school, Vince being beaten up for wearing makeup, Vince being looked at by scary middle aged men in the park, Howard going though puberty five years ahead of the other kids in his class.

He couldn't do it. It would break his heart. Time wasn't a problem for him, he'd stay exactly the same, physically, while they grew up and Bollo, as long as he was Naboo's familiar, would live as long as he did. But, he didn't want to see them growing up vulnerable and being hurt by the world. He loved them too much.

Vince squeaked at him and pinched his arm. He apologised softly and spooned him another mouthful of yoghurty bananas.

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of unresolved, because I never got around to... you know, resolving it. I hope it works as a sort of plotless episode tag though. As we all know, Howard and Vince did get turned back into adults in time for the next episode.


End file.
